All The Difference
by baka-tensai
Summary: Post-Eclipse. Jasper feels neglected, depressed, and conflicted when he finds something odd in the woods. One-shot; complete.


**A/N: Disclaimer:** I don't own the rights to the Twilight series. Stephenie Meyer does.

_Jasper's POV_

I was outside, and I was alone. Edward and Emmett had gone off hunting the week previous, Alice and Rosalie were organizing their wardrobes with Bella, and Carlisle and Esme were out. I was outside, and I was alone – alone to hunt, to feed, to quench my perpetual thirst for blood.

I had a harder time than everyone else with keeping to our strictly game diet; for almost a century, I had lived off of human blood, blood in extensive quantities, blood at my beck and call. That was all under the strict military practices Maria had established, the depressing way of life that Peter and Charlotte had improved little. Then Alice had saved me, had shown me another way of living, had led me out of my depression. Without her, I would not live like this. Alice had made all the difference. Nonetheless, I was still the weakest out of everyone, save Bella, but she was a newborn, so she didn't really count. I was the weakest, and it hurt.

As I made my way through the reservation, weaving in and out of trees at a breakneck pace, my dead heart not frantically thumping, my dead lungs needlessly taking in air, I stopped. My thankfully working nose had caught a whiff of bear. I preferred mountain lion, like Edward, but it would still do. The forest had an air of pain about it. I could feel it. I would suck the bear dry, and get out of the reservation as fast as possible.

Coming across the bear, I paused. There was another scent mingled in with it. It was human blood. Human blood, which I so longed for, craved for! I made quick work of the bear, snapping its furry neck with ease, piercing its thick skin with my serrated teeth, tasting every drop that flowed over my tongue. I didn't want to think about the human who had wounded himself hunting it.

Avoiding the trail, I sped my way back home. Making haste through a clearing, I did a double take. Was that a flash of red? Running at a normal human pace, it took about three minutes to reach the scene. Lying in the clearing was a hunter, clearly dead, in a pool of his own blood.

The area surrounding the corpse was grisly; damp, reddened grass dappled the clearing, glistening in the fading sun with the larger puddle. The corpse itself was mangled and gory; the neck was almost completely severed from the head, barely attached with skimpy cords of sinew and muscle serving as a connector. Blood caked the face, with eyes open and mouth agape, trapped in an eternal scream. The rest of the body was no better: The poor man's clothes were ripped and bloodstained, as to be expected; skin was turned asunder to reveal ragged flesh and bone. All the while, sweet scarlet liquid was oozing out of all of the corpse's pores… Sweet, scarlet…

The smell of it was overpowering me; all of that blood, right there for the taking! The hunter was already there, dead, he wouldn't feel any pain! His soul was departed; I wouldn't be able to feel any of his anguished emotions, no foul depression would descend upon me! No one would know; it would be my secret alone, a little treat, an indulgence, like a piece of cake in a no-calorie diet. I longed for it, lusted for it! Just a little taste would do, just a drop… I hadn't had human blood in almost fifty years…

I bent down at the edge of the pool and cupped my hands and dipped them into the sweet scarlet liquid. The blood had run cold with time – _had it been an hour, a few hours since the man's death?_ – but it would satisfy me nonetheless. It was cool as it hit my icy lips, rolling against the inside of my cheeks, swishing against my tongue and palate. I savored every drop as they slipped down my throat, one by one. Stooping myself into a crouch, I repeated the cupping motion for another drink, a second one, out of many, many, more, until the whole pool had disappeared or sunken into the grass. Then, I would move onto the body, though it would be nearly empty now… Yes… Yes… _No_.

A little voice in my head - it was high and musical like the tinkling of wind chimes - the vegetarian part, maybe my conscience, maybe my soul - the part that had succumbed to the bitter depression, was trying to hold me back. _You don't want to do that, Jasper, _it said. _What would Alice and Carlisle think? What would they feel? Pain, disappointment, shame, worry – nothing good. You wouldn't want to feel that, would you? It would kill you to feel that… And that would kill Alice, too… Jasper, don't._

I had no idea of how long I had been standing there in that clearing, engrossed in the scent of the dead man's spilled blood. There was no pain in me, no emotion. It was peaceful, in a way… So peaceful, in fact, that I didn't notice the lengthening of the shadows, the loss of light…

And then I felt it. Pain. Fear. Panic. Guilt. And… something I was familiar with but was competing with the negativity and losing. Then, I heard it; the rushing of the wind, the rustling of the leaves, the footsteps in the forest.

"Jasper, don't do it." There was the voice again. It didn't come from the inside of my head, though, this time, and it was overfilled with emotion instead of devoid of it.

"You aren't going to do it, Jasper." The voice was right. I wasn't.

A stone-cold hand gripped mine. I could feel that unnamed thing overpowering everything else now. What was it called? I struggled to remember. What was it?

"Jazz, it's alright." Love. That's what it was. How could I have forgotten? Maybe it was because lust was rolling off Emmett and Rosalie and Edward and Bella in startling quantities for the longest time. Maybe it was because Carlisle and Esme rarely spent time in the house anymore, what with three married couples as their "children" under their roof. Maybe it was because everyone felt overly stressed and negative toward the newborn Bella. I didn't know. All I knew was that I hadn't felt significant amounts of love (and lust definitely didn't count) in forever.

The hand that clasped mine, slowly pulling me forward, was definitely pulsating with love. Why? I didn't understand. I didn't understand anything anymore. The emotions were all just so confusing. I had cut myself off from everyone else just to keep from going insane. Nevertheless, I could still feel that Alice loved me, _me_, who didn't deserve anything good in the world. Me, the monster who struggled to not murder innocents… Why…

My thoughts meandered in this pattern for the whole journey home. I could feel my self-esteem dropping with each step. Alice must have felt it, because her grip on my hand grew tighter as she led me out of Great Rocks and into the house. She pulled open the front door soundlessly and we both stepped into the front room.

The sight we returned to was a typical one: Bella and Edward were sitting on the piano bench, she leaning on his shoulder, he drumming his fingers across the keyboard in unrecognizable melodies. Rosalie and Emmett were lusting on the couch, doing the unmentionable. I cringed. They were blocking out the love that Alice had for me, the love that Edward and Bella were sharing. Their lust was so… so… _loud, _overwhelming the soft feelings that everyone else had.

I couldn't feel Alice's hand around mine anymore; I would have spun around to look for her, but the sinking depression had simply taken away my away to do so. I must have sent out a wave of melancholy, because then Rosalie broke her face away from Emmett's and swung her face to look at me.

"What happened to _you_?" Her voice was scornful and condescending. When I slowly turned to face Rosalie, she blanched even paler than her normal shade of alabaster. Her face fell when she saw mine. I didn't even need to send a wave of unhappiness toward her for her to see my sadness, my pain.

"Oh," she said. "Sorry." She didn't go back to kissing Emmett. His normally cheerful disposition had dampened, too.

Bella and Edward's behavior changed as well; the sounds coming from the piano were no longer happy and peaceful. They were sharp and loud and tense while at the same time being melancholy and heart-wrenching. Maybe I was wrong; maybe I was sending waves of unhappiness toward everyone, ruining their happiness, but doing it unconsciously. _Where was Alice? _I thought. Alice would make me feel better. Yes, Alice would make all the difference.

"She's in the kitchen." Edward had heard me inside my head. "She's making a phone call." He clutched Bella tighter, shielding her from my pain.

I could hear Alice's voice in the background, now. She was speaking to Carlisle.

"…And there was this dead hunter in a pool of blood in that clearing in Great Rocks… You'll call the hospital for a helicopter? Okay… And you're coming back with Esme? Even better… I'll see you soon… Yeah, thanks, Dad. Bye." Alice shut the phone and looked up at me. (I don't know how I had ended up in the kitchen. Maybe I walked.) She took my hand in hers again and led me up the stairs and into the room we shared.

Alice shut the door, releasing my hand for the slightest of moments. I cringed as another wave of depression hit my already sunken heart, and I slumped against the wall and onto the floor, not bothering to take a seat on the couch or the bed. Alice looked at me for a moment and sighed, coming over to kneel down next to me.

"Would you like to talk about it, Jazz?" She whispered in my ear, stroking my hair, her cool fingers emanating pure love, soothing me. I shook my head and looked down.

"That's okay, then." Alice's voice was soft and kind, comforting. It eased my pain a little, taking some of the depression away. Her eyes were closed, I could see, and she was humming a tuneless song, calming me.

We sat like that, on the floor, not saying a word, for at least ten minutes. It felt better with each passing moment, growing ever more peaceful. "Alice?" I finally said, looking up into her butterscotch eyes (mine were probably red), breaking the blissful silence.

"Hmmm?" She crooned, not stopping the caress of her hands through my honey-blond locks.

"I'm sorry." The sound of my voice shocked me. I hadn't spoken for at least three days; the lake of practice had left it cracked and croaking and choked, the ghost of a rasp. It was miserable.

"Whatever for?"

"For not talking to you. For making everybody miserable." I buried my head in my hands, letting my hair cover my anguished face.

"Oh." Alice sounded surprised. "That isn't your fault, Jasper. It really isn't anyone's fault. Just don't blame yourself, okay?" She was probably smiling now. I couldn't see. Everything's stressful right now, Jazz. That stress is making everybody miserable, including you. You don't have to blame yourself. Bella's year mark is only around two and a half months from now; all the stress will be gone by then. It'll all be fine soon."

"Will it?" My tone was harsh and unrelenting; the question was mostly directed at myself. I would never, _ever _dream of using such a tone with Alice. "When everyone else gets miserable, I get miserable. And when I get miserable, I project it on everyone else tenfold. It's a vicious circle." That was true. Unless someone got spontaneously ecstatic, I didn't think it would end.

"Still, Jazz, that isn't your fault." I could see that she was struggling to find reasons why. "And as for the 'avoiding everyone' part, you can't help that." She smiled. "You'd drive yourself and everyone else crazy if you tried to calm us down. It would hurt you, all that effort. And I couldn't bear that."

"What about you? I don't have to be avoiding _you._" That probably hurt her as well. The serrated edge to my voice still hadn't gone away. "I shouldn't be avoiding you. It would make everything easier on everyone if I didn't avoid you." That was also true; Alice made me happy whenever she was happy. When she wasn't, we made each other happy. And if I was happy, everyone else _could_ be happy, too.

Alice sighed. "It's not that _you've _been avoiding _me, _Jazz, it's that everyone's neglecting _you. _ With Bella around, we haven't been seeing to you enough, even though you're not the weakest link anymore. Just because someone with bigger problems comes along doesn't mean that our own go away." That made sense. I liked things that made sense.

"And we still can't do anything about those problems but try and wait them out passively." It was my turn to sigh. I took my face out of my hands and turned it so it was level with Alice's. "There is absolutely nothing we can do about it."

Now Alice looked hurt. She saw the red in my eyes, the anger, the sadness, all of it. That, combined with the bitterness and all the other emotions concentrated in that room, she could definitely feel. Despite its inactivity, my heart seemed to come alive just to put itself in the most desperate pain. It always hurt me when Alice was hurt. "Do you really think that, Jasper?" She whispered softly. If she could cry, tears would be welling up in her eyes. "Really?"

I hung my head. "Yes."

"Oh, Jasper… Jasper, Jasper…" Her voice would not hold steady for long. I longed to ease her pain, to take it all away, to comfort her, but how could I, when my touch would only pour more anguish into her? Instead, she reached up to my cheek, carefully stroking it, as if to comfort _me. _I, who did not deserve it; I, the monster, unworthy for one so sweet and pure. Why ever would she love me, the undeserving?

She could feel the new onslaught of negativity welling up in me. "My Jasper…" Her voice faded away, as if she was trying to read my thoughts through my mood. "Of course I love you, my Jasper." She spoke in barely a whisper.

"There's nothing good about me to love." Bitterness coated my voice.

Alice didn't say anything. She just looked at me with a pained expression that was tearing my long-dead heart to pieces. Another long period of silence descended over us, more difficult to bear than the last.

"Why do you think that, Jasper?" It was Alice who broke the silence this time.

"I'm a selfish, bloodthirsty monster who tries to mess around with everyone's feelings." That was all true. I was selfish, for resenting Bella when she received more care from Alice than I did. In my thoughts, I'd already beaten to death the fact that I was a bloodthirsty monster. And I did try to mess around with everyone's feelings, just to make myself feel better, even though it made them feel better in the process. And that was another reason that proved that I was selfish.

"That's not true, Jasper." Alice had a look of incredulity on her beautiful, beautiful face. "That's not true in the least."

"Isn't it?" The bitterness was still there. How could I get rid of it?

"No. No, it isn't." Alice was smiling again. How could she be smiling when we were arguing? Any argument with Alice wrenched my heart in two. I tried to force a smile; Alice's ability to smile in most situations was one of the things I loved most about her.

"Give me an example of each and I shall believe you." There. The bitterness was gone. Was it that easy?

"Well… First, you aren't selfish at all. You try to help people in need of comforting at your own expense. How is that selfish?"

"It makes me feel better in the process."

"That isn't selfish in the least. It's a product of helping people. Everyone decent feels better when they help someone."

My first excuse for low self-worth was just shot down from the sky. That should have made me feel better. It didn't.

"And as for being a bloodthirsty monster, you can't help that. It's just the way you are. It's the way we _all_ are." She smiled, stroking my hair again. "And, Jasper, I love everything you are. If you weren't a bloodthirsty monster, we wouldn't have each other." She was right. That was two reasons down the drain. I felt worse, for thinking that I was the only needy one, for needlessly beating myself into the dust.

"That still doesn't condone messing around with everyone's feelings." I was clinging onto this last thread of an excuse I had.

"You can't help that, either, Jasper," Alice said. Why was she doing this to me? Why? I wasn't deserving of someone so kind, so wonderful! She was so much better than me, and she was trying to prove my worth to me. I was nothing, compared to her. "And you aren't _messing _with them. You're improving them, enhancing the atmosphere." What a beautiful way to put something so horrible.

"What about when I toy with Emmett and Edward? Or Rosalie and Bella?" I tried my best to sound doubting and innocent. Innocent. Hah. I was _anything_ but innocent.

"That, my dear, is funny." Then she started laughing. I adored the sound of Alice's laugh. It was like the tinkling of chimes in the wind, cheerful and high and wonderful. "And it's also a public service when you try to tone their amorous feelings even a little bit." That was funny. I tried to laugh, but it was mirthless and pitiful-sounding.

"There, now, Jazz, you're happy, see?" It was true; my mood had improved by a lot. Alice had made me feel better. Alice had made all the difference.

"Yeah, I guess so." I tried another smile. It felt genuine, albeit small, this time. Alice smiled even wider. She giggled.

"Now we're getting somewhere!" I looked into her butterscotch eyes. They looked truly pleased. Alice was happy. I was happy. "Would you like to do anything to commemorate your revelation?" Her eyes flashed. I felt around for any lust. No; she didn't want to do _that _with me.

"Not really." I paused. What would I like to do, besides _that_? "Let's go downstairs."

"Sure." Alice took her fingers out of my hair and got to her feet, helping me to mine. She opened the door again, taking my hand, and led me into the hallway and down the stairs. We entered the front room, returning to the same scene we had left around an hour ago. Bella and Edward were still on the piano bench, but the music had lightened a bit. Rosalie and Emmett were engaged in a conversation, for once, and not glued to each other, still sitting on the couch.

Alice led me to one of the chairs by the couch and motioned for me to sit down. I gladly obliged, pulling her into my lap. Our siblings all turned to look at us, Rosalie and Emmett stopping their conversation, Bella and Edward getting up from the piano to come to settle in the chair next to us.

"Welcome back, Jasper." Edward looked relieved. I couldn't imagine why.

"I'm sorry, Jasper." Bella smiled sheepishly. What had she to apologize for?

"Emmett and I are sorry as well, Jasper." This comment from Rosalie I could accept properly. They were repenting for their overt displays of lust. They knew how much I hated feeling large amounts of lust, how much it bothered me, made me uncomfortable.

"Yeah, buddy, sorry." Emmett grinned at me. The atmosphere in the room had become more… appealing… since I had last been in it; it was cheerful and welcoming. "Would you like to hear a joke?" Emmett's jokes were always funny, enhancing the happiness everywhere.

Edward and Alice both clutched at their sides, laughing. They must have both seen it before it came. I could feel the mirth emanating from the both of them, and I burst into hysterics as well, not even needing to hear the joke. Bella and Rosalie both scowled, being left in the dark.

"I – don't – think – you – need – to – tell – it – anymore – Emmett…" Alice said, between giggles.

"Yeah… That was precious, Emmett," Edward was on the floor now. Bella pulled him back onto the chair, trying to get him to tell her the joke. It wasn't working. Edward was too consumed by hilarity to speak anymore.

Rosalie had more success with Emmett, who was smiling to himself. Rosalie was smiling along with him. Sometimes he could transform a room's atmosphere faster than I, the empath, could. It never used to be like that. Now, however, with a newborn in the house, I hardly used my power anymore. I didn't know why. Maybe Bella had a power that subdued people from doing things. Edward had been reading our minds with less frequency and Alice had stopped having visions on purpose. Nobody knew the reason, but we all suspected that it had something to do with Bella's 'specialty'.

I turned around to look at Bella. She was still scowling, but I could feel her amusement just beneath the surface. She was contented on the inside, happy to be sharing this gleeful moment with her new family. Leaving all of her human friends and family had been hard on her. She needed all of our support, all of our care. Everyone had less time for themselves, for their mates (except for Edward, of course). I instantly regretted avoiding everyone. Alice was right; it wasn't their fault that I didn't get paid attention to that much anymore. Bella could really use my help, especially: I could calm her down, could share in her pain of losing her "life".

Bella and I were the only ones out of the loop, now. I sent a wave of giddiness over to her so she could share in our revelry. She instantly started guffawing with everyone else. The air in the room seemed lighter now, less thick than it had been since Alice and I had first entered. I decided that it would be fine to gradually calm everyone down, carefully easing away bits of hysterics piece by piece. Slowly, everyone got up off of the floor and back into their seats.

The front door opened. Carlisle and Esme were home. None of us had heard them arrive over the fits of laughter caused by Emmett's joke, as yet untold to everyone but Rosalie. Both of them were dressed smartly, as if they had just been somewhere formal, like a black-tie restaurant (they didn't eat) or a wedding (no one recalled receiving an invitation in the mail). I felt their serious mood fade away in light of the waves of calm that I had sent out moments before.

Carlisle's eyes swiveled around to examine all of his "children". His eyes finally stopped to rest on me. I had abstained from interaction with others for so long that he was surprised to see me quietly chuckling along with my siblings. The expression on his face was one of puzzlement and suspicion. He didn't trust my appearance, I could see. I hung my head in shame.

"Jasper, could you come with me? I'd like to talk to you for a moment." Yes, Carlisle definitely regarded me with suspicion. Maybe Alice had told him more than just about how there was a dead man in Great Rocks. I nodded my head, and Alice slid off of my lap. I stood up after her, waiting for her to follow me.

Carlisle shook his head. "No, Jasper. I'd like to talk to you alone." I sighed and left Alice with Esme and the rest of our family. Carlisle led me into our showy dining room and motioned for me to sit in the chair opposite his, the head seat.

"Alice told me about your little… incident… in the clearing today, Jasper." His voice was stern, the British accent adding to its severity. I sighed and nodded my head again. I was going back into my reclusive depression, a turtle going back into its shell.

"Would you like to talk about it?" It was the same question Alice had posed to me.

"Yes, sir." My voice was small and nervous-sounding.

"Well, start, then."

I flew into the explanation of my day's "adventure", not pausing for an unneeded breath. "I was hunting and I came across a bear and it smelled like human blood and I wanted to get out of the reservation fast and then I found the corpse and it was in a pool of blood and I took one mouthful of it and then I wanted more but I went into a mental argument with my conscience and then Alice came but I didn't know why and then she led me home and then she called you and then she led me upstairs and we had an argument about how I wasn't worth anything and Alice won and we decided that I was worth something and then we went downstairs and Emmett told a funny joke and then you came." There. I took a breath.

"I see." Carlisle was looking at me skeptically. "So you fell off the wagon, then."

"Yeah." There was one part I didn't understand, though. "How did Alice find me?"

Carlisle chuckled. "Have you forgotten, Jasper? About Alice?" I realized it then. She had seen me going to drink the man's blood and came to stop me. By the time she arrived, I had changed my mind about lapping up the pool.

"Oh. I see." Maybe Carlisle would forgive me. Or maybe he would kick me out and I would never get to see Alice again. I shuddered at the thought.

"It's alright, Jasper. I forgive you." How did he know what I was thinking? He wasn't Edward, after all. "It really wasn't falling off the wagon, anyway, since the man was already dead. You didn't murder him." That sparked a memory in me.

"Did the hospital's helicopter find him?" Of course, I was really anxious to know whether they had cleaned up the mess or not. I didn't want to risk going to Great Rocks again with the corpse there.

"I don't know yet. I called them and they said that they'd send one within a few hours." That was a relief. I wouldn't go hunting for another week. Maybe the smell would be gone by then.

"Okay then." I patiently waited for Carlisle to dismiss me, for him to speak.

"Is there anything else you'd like to talk about, Jasper? You haven't shown your face with everyone for a while now."

I shook my head. "That's alright, Carlisle. Alice straightened everything out with me. I won't be avoiding anyone much anymore." That was true. Alice had made it all better. Alice had made all the difference.

"Alright then, Jasper. I'm done with you, now. You may leave." He smiled at me. I got out of my chair and turned around to make my way back to the front room.

I smiled to myself. I'd be with Alice again. Being with Alice was always good. Alice would make everything better. Alice always made all the difference.


End file.
